Take your time, Bobby.
You're not just wallet shopping;
you're learning a valuable lesson
in money management.
Savor it.
This one.
That'll be $135.
Dad, pay the man.
Now, why would you pick that overpriced thing,
when there's a sturdy, reasonably-priced
$15 one right in front of you?
Well, this one's pretty snazzy,
and it looks like it can hold a ton of money.
Bobby...
That way,
if I wanted to impress someone,
I could pull out a really big wad of cash.
Bam!
Dad, give me a big wad of cash.
What are you trying to do, Bobby, get us mugged?
Hmm!
Why would you go waving your money around in public?
'Cause it's cool,
and I think it makes people like you.
How much money do you make a year, anyway?
Bobby, where did you pick up that kind of talk?
I thought you wanted to talk about money.
I did. Quietly and without mentioning any dollar figures.
Bobby, only jackasses go around saying how much money they make.
What are you talking about?
Julia Roberts makes 20 million a picture.
Are you calling America's Sweetheart a jackass?
It's just vulgar, Bobby.
The amount of money a man makes
is between him and the professionals
down at the H & R Block.
Who were we talking to
in Dallas for 37 minutes?
Oh, I remember.
Where did I go wrong, Peggy?
How did I raise a son who goes around
with that filthy money-mouth of his?
He actually had the audacity
to ask me how much I make a year.
Hmm. I do not know
where he would get an attitude like that.
It certainly was not from us.
We raised him to be uncomfortable
about anything that personal.
Dad, Ladybird's scooting again.
Oh, uh... hey, son.
You guys were talking about money, weren't you?
No.
Yes, you were!
You were paying bills.
No, we weren't.
We... we were... making out!
Peggy?!
Then what's this?!
42, eh?
Bobby!
Let me help!
Why? So you can blab to the whole neighborhood
how much your mother's haircuts cost?
I'm not a little kid.
Now, where were we?
Ah...
Oh, no.
It was the phone bill.
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
My boy asked me how much money I make.
The nerve!
The less kids know about money,
the less likely they are to rat you out
under the pressure of a federal investigation.
I tell you what, it's tough enough
to teach a kid to judge people on their character
without TV and the MTV filling their heads with nonsense.
TV is an open sewer!
Yeah, man, I tell you what, man.
On dang ol' MTV Cribs, man,
talking about ol' Ja Rule on there, man.
He got a dang ol' whole refrigerator
full of that ol' "Crystal" champagne, man.
Well, I better head in for dinner.
Bobby's probably badgering Peggy
about how much her wedding ring cost.
So... how much you think ol' Hank is pulling down?
I'll tell you what, man.
That dang ol' blue truck last year,
they don't come cheap, man.
Gotcha!
Yep, got my check today.
So? How much was it for?
Not to be Bobby about it.
A thousand dollars.
That's right.
You're going to have dinner
with the man who made a thousand dollars today.
Well, that's a pretty generous bonus.
Yep. Not quite as good as last year,
but people just aren't grilling like they did last year.
Boy, last year was something else.
So, the way I figure it,
my dad makes a thousand dollars a day.
That's $365,000 a year.
Whoa!
Yeah, whoa.
But check it out.
He's been doing it
for 20 years.
That's... $7,300,000!
No way!
Yeah, and he barely spends a dime,
so he's got all that money just sitting around.
What's he spending it on?
Our house?
That thing cost a million, maybe two million, tops.
I don't know.
Are you sure about this?
There's got to be something somewhere
that proves we're rich.
"Oil records"?
Why is it locked?
Because it's about my dad's secret oil wells.
My dad's got oil!
Dude, you're rich.
You're-you're really rich.
I am.
This is so cool.
Tell you what, Bobby.
Let's say we tally ho it over to the money room.
Capital idea, Dad, capital.
Well done, son.
Thank you, Father.
I don't know, Bobby.
We've lived next door to you guys for a long time.
You don't seem rich.
I mean, you guys don't have
half the stuff we do,
and everything you do have, we have a better version of.
Well, my dad's always going off
about how cheap stuff is just as good
as expensive stuff.
He spent half of dinner last night saying,
"Anyone who says they could tell the difference
between this and real Coca-Cola is lying, I tell you what."
Well, I guess it's possible.
Maybe your dad is one of those rich misers.
A what?
A lot of rich people are just crazy.
They hang on to every penny.
Howard Hughes would wear
Kleenex boxes on his feet,
and he wrote a whole instruction manual
on the exact way his staff should serve him a peach.
My dad wrote a 13-step system for putting away groceries.
Oh! And there was this woman.
They called her "The Witch of Wall Street."
She was so cheap that when her son got sick,
she wouldn't even pay for a doctor,
and they had to cut the kid's leg off!
Whoa! Gross.
Boy, it seems like the richer people get,
the cheaper they get.
And the cheaper they get, the crazier they get.
Bobby, time to wrap pennies!
Dang it, Peggy, who threw out
this mayonnaise jar?
I use these to store extra screws.
Look at him!
Breaking his back to wash his truck.
Oh, God.
I don't want to lose my leg.
Can you imagine
the cheap fake leg he's going to buy me?
He'll probably just make it himself
out of a broom handle and a shoe horn.
I don't think he's that crazy.
Yet!
But I can't take any chances.
He just needs to loosen up.
Maybe if I can get him to spend a little money
and see it's not the end of the world,
he won't go crazy.
Hey, go ask him to buy us some horses.
We'll ride them to school.
We'll be legends.
No, I've got to find something he likes,
ease him into prying open that wallet of his.
When he sees how much fun it is,
there won't be anything standing between me
and that sweet chinga-ching-ching.
Hey, did you guys hear?
Bobby's rich.
Turns out Mr. Hill
is some kind of crazy millionaire oil something.
Joseph, Sug, you know better
than to spread silly gossip like that.
What did Reverend Stroup say?
It was something about Jesus and gossip, and it rhymed.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tell me more of Hank's fortune, Joseph.
Connie says he's some kind
of, like, rich miser orsomething.
The Millionaire Next Door.
I read that book, but I had no idea it was about Hank.
Hank, will you buy me a ratchet set?
No, Dale.
How about a nightclub?
I'll call it "Hank's."
Just how soft are
these soft begging strips?
'Cause, uh, Ladybird's gums are very sensitive.
Hey, Dad, look at this.
"Now you and your dog can ride a burro into the Grand Canyon."
Huh, so they put the reins right in her teeth.
I know. Can you believe it?
Ladybird gets to keep the sombrero.
Ladybird looks great in a hat.
Well, she sure does,
but I don't know.
Don't think about it; just do it.
You deserve it!
God knows Ladybird deserves it.
There's a sing-along at the bottom.
Well, it does sound pretty great.
It is great.
You'll have the time of your life,
and I'll get a pinball machine
and have the time of my life.
What?
And then I'll get
a Slurpee machine and a white tiger.
Oh, thank you, Dad. This is going to be so great.
Dang it, Bobby.
I'm not going to start tossing money around
like a drunken roughneck on payday
just because you don't have any money sense.
Look at her.
She's crushed.
You happy now?
Bobby, sit down. We need to talk.
Have you reconsidered the pinball machine?
Son, everything you buy costs money,
which somebody has to earn.
Now, one way or another,
I'm going to get you thinking right.
But I'm not the one thinking crazy.
Now see, that's exactly why your mother and I
have decided to make some changes
with your allowance.
But that's how much I always got.
Hold on. I'm not done yet.
Now, you rented that video game last Friday, so...
Oh, and, uh, you returned it late...
Hey, quit it!
And you bought that Teen People
at the Get In Get Out.
I've itemized it all here
on your invoice.
Two dollars?
But I wanted to go to the movies with Joseph today.
That sounds like fun, and I'd be happy to drive you,
if you can earn the rest of the money you need.
Hey, you could collect cans. Five cents each.
It's like the streets are littered with nickels.
You gotta be kidding!
Nope. Oh, you're going to need a couple
of heavy-duty garbage bags.
This ought to cover 'em.
Don't be surprised if Bobby comes around asking for those cans.
I taught him an important lesson today.
Go ahead there, Hank, take all the beer you want.
I am so thrilled my hard-earned money can make you happy.
It was your turn to buy the beer, Bill...
that's how it works.
Yeah, I guess that's exactly how it works.
I'm not getting rich cutting people's hair, Hank.
Well, things are tough all over.
Oh! I bet they are.
Yep.
Yep. Mm-hmm.
Please! Just give me
a few thousand dollars, Hank. Please?
What? Oh, just give him the money, Hank!
Yeah, man, you know, that dang ol' money's like the wind, man...
only feel it when it's moving, man.
My God, am I the only sane person around here?
Way to go, Bill.
You single-handedly derailed the gravy train.
I'm sorry. I just wanted his money, is all.
Collect cans.
My dad had his chance at life.
I'm not going to let him take mine away.
If this isn't an emergency, I don't know what is.
Oh, no way, Bobby.
You're not going to take your dad's credit card...
are you?
Relax. Whatever we spend,
it's just a drop in the bucket to him.
Besides,
he won't even notice this one is gone.
Go, go, go, go!
$43.20.
No problem. Here you go.
Thank you, Mr. Hill.
Wow! Wow! Wow!
Whoa!
Don't give up, Connie!
Try it again! I'm rich!
You hooked it. Try again!
Great drive!
Oh, Johnny, I am having a wonderful time today.
Me, too.
So the rumors about Hank are true.
Hey,
I just remembered, I should get back to the healing center.
Oh. But we were going to buy you a bathing suit.
Next time, okay? That's my girl.
Well, hey there, John Redcorn.
Hank.
America is aging.
The Baby Boomers will soon become the Senior Boomers.
Yeah... sure, I guess so.
Good, good.
As an established leader
in the healing community,
I am in a unique position to capture this emerging market.
I think you know where I'm going with this.
For your investment of only a million dollars...
What? I'm not asking for a handout.
This is an investment opportunity
in the New Age Golden Years Assisted Living facility.
Sure, I'll give you your million.
Would you like it
in rubies or fairy dust?
Someone's going to make a lot of money off this idea.
It could have been us.
Coming up next, find out what this man
wants to show your children.
All right, Peggy, tell me what happens.
Oh, my God, that is shocking!
Dang it.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. Hill, this is a courtesy call
from Southwest Mutual about your credit card.
Uh, I've already got a credit card.
No, Mr. Hill, we were calling about some unusual charges.
We've got a spike of several thousand dollars
over the last two days.
What? N-No. That card's never been used. Thief!
Sir, if you would like to dispute these charges...
Oh, here's something.
There's an attempted charge coming through right now.
Would you like me to have them hold the card?
Uh, I-I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.
This... m-machine is so... damn slow.
Oh, take your time, take your time.
You know, Emiglio, on second thought,
I think I will try on that vest.
Where is that bastard?
Ta-da!
Bobby?
Dad.
You stole my credit card.
My boy stole my credit card.
Why are you so mad?
Can't you just pump a little extra propane?
How did you get to be a spoiled rich kid
when we're not even rich?
Okay, I'm sorry I borrowed...
Stole....the credit card,
but you just would've said no,
and we both know you're loaded.
So let's just say we were both wrong.
I'm loaded?
Has everybody in the neighborhood lost their minds?
Okay, Dad, I'll come clean.
I know everything.
I heard you talking about how you make $1,000 a day.
$1,000 a...
You mean my bonus?
My once-a-year bonus?
But what about your oil records?
In the garage?
You mean my oil change records?
I used to think
you were too young for this conversation,
but I think we've all had enough
of you learning about money on the streets,
so here goes: Our checkbook.
I didn't even see anything.
Okay, you want to know
about the family finances?
Here.
So this is it?
Please tell me you've at least got some gold buried in the backyard.
Nope. That's it.
But with responsible budgeting, we do fine.
That's our entertainment budget?
But I spend that much on CDs every month.
I use up the whole budget.
Yep.
I guess I let you down.
What the?
That must be the jet-ski.
Well, I was able
to pay off everything except the jet-ski.
Had to use my whole bonus and then some.
Guess I'll never get that new shower pan.
Sorry.
So here's your punishment.
I'm going to get whatever I can for the jet-ski,
and you're going to do chores
until you work off the difference
between that and what it costs.
Okay.
Now, uh, your mother said something
about a date with, uh...
Madam Von Toilet scrubbin?
Anyvun seen Bobby?
Good job, Bobby.
Hey, it looks hot up there.
Why don't you come down and take a break?
Breaks are for guys on disability.
Well, I do need some help
getting the jet-ski down to the lake to sell it.
I'm on it... just as soon as I'm done
fishing out this squirrel.
So Hank frittered away his fortune.
God, if Peggy was the best he could do with money,
what's going to happen now when she leaves him?
Man, you talk about how the mighty have dang ol' fallen, man.
Mm-hmm. I heard it had something to do with the Internet.
Usually does.
Brand-new jet-ski for sale.
Got all the, uh, features
and, uh, really spiffy paint job there.
Sure was expensive.
Hey, Eric, what do you think of that jet-ski?
You promised me a new one!
This one's probably broken.
It's not broken.
Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Okay, then, it runs perfectly fine. Happy?
Can't it go any faster?
Of course it can.
Heh-heh. Well, I'll be.
Whoo! Giddyap!
Boy, that was fun. Heh.
It's okay, I guess.
We'll take it.
Okay, I-I know I-I promised you a jet-ski,
but could you at least say... thank you?
Whatever! I'll get mom's new boyfriend to buy it for me.
Sir, for 50 cents, I will shine this baby up
like a brand-new dime.
I want to see my face.
All right!
Dad! Go back!
They're not going to wait around for us!
We're not selling it.
Now, hold on tight, I'm going to gun it.
We're going to keep it?!
We can't afford it.
I'm not selling your jet-ski to that little jackass.
I figure the depreciation's the same on it
whether we keep it for a day or a year.
Used is used, right?
Really? Sure.
We can carry it on the credit card for a little while,
and then if we sell it within a year,
it'll be the same blue book value.
But credit cards should only be used in an emergency,
and you should pay the balance off every month.
Ideally, yes.
Dad, give me a big wad of cash.